Satire: Instructions for portable CD player

  This was written back in the day when portable CD players were the new thing.  I got one for Christmas and was annoyed/amused by the instructions that came with it.  Were people really that clueless?  Enjoy...

For some reason, since NAFTA moved American jobs across the border, manufacturers have been convinced that buyers have become bi-lingual and stupid.  I give you the example of the instructions for my portable compact disc player  The instructions and warnings are printed on a large sheet of paper that somehow folds out and wouldn't you know, you end up reading about Lector de discos compactos personal instead of your compact disc player. 

Fortunately I don't think anything of that, I simply turn the sheet over.  Ahh, Englais.  Bueno. 

     Just to make sure we know what a large amount of responsibility we have just taken upon ourselves by buying a lowly CD player, the Federal Communications Commission tells us that it "complies" with their rules that say:

·      This device must accept any interference received, including interference that may cause undesired operation  (translation: This thing can be interfered with by siblings.  It has the capability to break.)

·      This device may not cause harmful interference  (translation: Being an inanimate object, this CD player does not have fuzzy logic enough to kill you or scramble any electronic transmissions to certain life-sustaining machines, like pacemakers.  This would explain why no one ever played a game of Clue in which the victim was murdered by CD player wielded by Colonel Mustard in the library.)

   

I find it very interesting that the FCC expressly forbids changes or modifications to the CD player and further threatens that to do so could void the user's authority to operate the product.  Personally, I think that if someone has the know-how and the creativity to soup up a portable CD player, it would give them authority over the manufacturers to operate the factory itself. 

On to "Headset Safety"...

     Remember, boys and girls, don't listen to your earphones at high volume, because it could damage your parents' generosity next time you want to get something with the potential to be much louder.  (There are a few members of my family who would not get an electric guitar with amplifiers, even if they brown-nosed for a year.)  Also, use extreme, and I mean extreme, caution or temporary discontinue use in potentially hazardous situations, like when your mother has just put a gun to your head for not listening when she's told you time and time again to clean that pathetic excuse for a room.

On battery operation...

     Here's where it really gets insulting.  We are provided with a precise diagram of the bottom of the CD player along with highly detailed instructions on how to open the battery case.  Duh, you just slide that thingie that way and...well doggone,  Ooommph.... oommmmmmmpppphhhhh.....eerrrrrrrrggghhghh...That's odd.  This would be the time that I can't get it open, wouldn't it?!  Where'd those dang instructions go....

..........(insert rummaging noises, sounds of plastic grating on plastic)....."..and slide the door shut."  I generally take pride in being the battery door expert on the planet, but that thing completely defied my expertise!  That was the queen-mother of all battery doors.  *Whew!*   I'm lucky I didn't get a hernia. 

If I want to charge up some nifty rechargeable batteries, the instructions are adamant on plugging the jack into the wall.  First of all, who is Jack, and why would anyone want to plug him into the wall?  Does he get some kind of charge out of the experience?  Shocking! 

How to use earphones, or, if you need extensive training for this, you're a first-class idiot...

     The almighty instructions say that the CD player is equipped with an earphone jack.  "Plug the barrel end of the headphones cord into the jack for private listening."  Duh. (eye roll)  Plug the headphones into the intercom for public listening.  Plug the headphones into your nose so it can get into the act as well.  Plug the barrel end into your nose and then go see a doctor, and while you're at it, a psychologist. 

Features / The fun part / For all you obsessive compulsive button pushers

     Now I get to list all the stuff included in the whole package and change the name so they are unrecognizable!  Let the fun begin!

·      deluxe earplugs (headphones)

·      the red light/green light button (play/pause for when you have to hear what Mommy is saying)

·      the musical chairs button (stop)

·      the picky listener button (search <</>>)

·      the "pop-goes-the-weasel" button (open)

·      the button which utilizes a system designed to enhance lower audible frequencies  (da bass boost)

There's one more feature that I didn't know they had added since my first ancient CD player about six years ago.  It's called the hold button, but it doesn't put you on hold, because you're already listening to music and that would be stupid.  It doesn't put the music on hold because that would be essentially the same as pushing the pause button, plus music listening to hold music is just a weird idea.  The hold button, I found out, puts the buttons themselves on hold, so that pesky siblings cannot press buttons and disrupt your musical nirvana. 

How to get music to come out of those weird little round flat things...

    Now, everyone knows that some people have to have everything spelled out for them or they do things wrong and they crash their computer and somehow end up starting thermonuclear war or something.  CD players are the same way.  If the batteries get put in the wrong way, the polarity is reversed, which causes an opposing force on the earth's magnetic field.  The earth's magnetic field scrambles, and through some very complicated process involving the Dynamo effect, the earth begins to spin backward, we start rotating around the sun backward, time goes backward, and WAMMO,  we get flung straight back to the ice age!  Very dangerous these machines are...

So here goes.

#1...Turn CD player right side up.  You'll know it's right side up if you can see a bunch of buttons in plain sight that you can push.  DON'T PUSH THEM YET!!!

#2... Buy a CD.  It's one of those round flat things that comes in a flat box that takes forever to open without Mommy's help.  Oh, and it has one shiny side.  You don't want to touch the shiny side.  

#3... Push the button that says 'open'.  If you can't read, find someone who can to point to it for you.  If they try to push the button for you, fight them.  You can push your own buttons. 

#4... Put that round flat thing inside the mouth of the CD player.  Make sure that thing-a-ma-whatsit is stuck on the doo-dad. 

#5... Close the door of the CD player.

#6... Buy some AA batteries.  AA batteries are smaller than A batteries, but bigger than AAA batteries.  If you touch the B or C or D batteries Mommy will slap your hand. 

#7... I said "buy" the AA batteries, not "steal" them! 

#8... Okay, earn the money to pay for the AA batteries you stole. 

#9... Get big brother to put the batteries in for you. 

#10.  Plug the earphones into the little hole on the side that has a picture of earphones next to it.  

#11.  Push the play button with the arrow on it. 

#12.  Move that little dial that makes the music louder.  (Funny how the loudness of your parents' voices is directly proportional to the volume of your music!)

Troubleshooting Guide.....(as taught by Annie Oakley)

    Howdy part'ners!  Much as I luv shootin’ troublesome varmints, there ain’t any guns involved in this here section.  So, I'm thinking yer all wonderin' why a troubleshootin' guide was put in these here instrucshuns.  It's cause all them folk at tec support got mighty tired-a you-all callin' about every lil problem.  They figger mebbe if they put it in there, you might be able t’ figger it out what’s wrong your ownselves!  I getta tell ya what to do; granted some of these here questions are so obvious, I'd shoot my ownself if I didn't know the answer right off.   (Okay, okay, I'll drop the accent...)  

    The one that always gives people problems -- the little round flat thing is where it is supposed to be, but darn it, there isn't any music coming out!!!  WHY?!  Okay, we're going to go through a little checklist here.

·      Try putting the plug into the wall socket...or batteries if you prefer.  No, the batteries don’t go in the wall socket.  They go in the battery case. 

·      Is the disc in right side up?

·      Close the door, silly!

·      If all these don't help, then the CD player must not like you and you must appease it by offering sacrifices to the god of AC.

Here's another common one -- what if the sound is skipping?

·      The little round flat thing must be scratched.  Don't play frisbee with it anymore.

·      Hmmmm.  There must be excessive external vibration.  Find a more stable position.  Stop hitting your siblings over the head with the CD player..........There, see what an improvement that is?

·      When all else fails, skip along with the skipping music.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

Okay, we're moving up in the world.  The little round flat thing is where it is supposed to be, it's playing, but darn it, there isn't any sound!  What's going on?!

·      Try plugging in your headphones.  These things don't have speakers all by themselves. 

·      Your headphones are plugged in?  Congratulations!  Now turn up the volume. 

NOT THAT MUCH!!!!!

Ouch.

Care and maintenance or How to be nice to your CD player

    Do not (never, ever, nuh-uh) touch the laser lens.  If you do, the laser lens genie will appear in a puff of smoke and melt you like the wicked witch of the west.  Fortunately, there is a way to clean the laser lens without invoking the wrath of the laser lens genie.  Simply moisten a cotton swab with isopropyl alcohol and gently apply to the face of the laser lens, rubbing gently until all traces of melted people are removed.  If you don't have a doctorate in chemistry that is required to even know what isopropyl alcohol is, just lick the lens.  Saliva can't be that bad for it.

Precautions

    Discs rotate at high speed inside the player.  Do not use damaged, warped, or cracked discs.  If you defy this warning and play a warped CD, the consequences could be disastrous to the entire planet!  A warped CD rotates irregularly.  If enough people play warped CDs, the irregularities might add up and counter balance the earth's rotation and bring it to a stop.  The side of earth facing the sun would proceed to roast while the other side of the earth would freeze to death.    So, please save the world and don't play damaged, warped, or cracked CDs. 

The Limited Warranty...from your friendly, (but cautious) helpful (but very suspicious) manufacturers

    I notice they are very careful what language they use when describing this warranty.  If they said "unlimited warranty", it stands to reason that you might be able to get them to pay for anything unfortunate that happens to you.  ("Buy a CD player, get life insurance!")

This warranty covers everything for a full year EXCEPT:

·      The instruction manual -- if you're not sure what to do when your CD player decides to spontaneously combust, call technical support.  That's what they're there for.  They will give you helpful advice.  ("Whoa!  That's totally cool!  Roast some marshmallows over it, dude!")

·      Installation.  If you can't figure out where the headphones go, ask Mommy.  Or read the directions.  Or just try sticking the jack someplace where it looks like it might fit. 

·      Damage from misuse and neglect.  And you'd better be glad there isn't a government agency that deals with neglected CD players.  If it was anything like the government agency that is responsible for neglected and abused children, we'd all be spending a little time in the slammer.

·      Modified products.  Like I said before, if you know enough to soup-up a CD player, technical support sure as heck ain't gonna be able help you figure out what went wrong when you plugged the adapter into the wall socket and all the lights went out...

·      CD players bought or fixed outside the USA.   Technical support no speako Spanisho.  Speako onlyo Englisho.

·      ACTS OF GOD  like lightning striking you as you head-bang to Marilyn Manson or AC/DC.  As far as I know, this is the only time the business world becomes religious.  Perhaps "acts of God" are those things that happen for no reason with no warning which the manufacturers don't want to pay for.

    As you see, being the owner of a CD player is highly dangerous.  The slightest mistake could initiate cataclysmic natural disasters of incomprehensible magnitude.  The operation thereof could also anger many people, a few being parentals, the laser lens genie, the god of AC, the technical support people, and even your garbage man if you throw away too many damaged, warped, or cracked CDs.   

    If you don't feel up to it, you can exchange your CD player for a simple Walkman - combination tapeplayer and radio.  I'll tell you about those responsibilities some other time.........