Satire: Instructions for portable CD player

  This was written back in the day when portable CD players were the new thing.  I got one for Christmas and was annoyed/amused by the instructions that came with it.  Were people really that clueless?  Enjoy...

For some reason, since NAFTA moved American jobs across the border, manufacturers have been convinced that buyers have become bi-lingual and stupid.  I give you the example of the instructions for my portable compact disc player  The instructions and warnings are printed on a large sheet of paper that somehow folds out and wouldn't you know, you end up reading about Lector de discos compactos personal instead of your compact disc player. 

Fortunately I don't think anything of that, I simply turn the sheet over.  Ahh, Englais.  Bueno. 

     Just to make sure we know what a large amount of responsibility we have just taken upon ourselves by buying a lowly CD player, the Federal Communications Commission tells us that it "complies" with their rules that say:

·      This device must accept any interference received, including interference that may cause undesired operation  (translation: This thing can be interfered with by siblings.  It has the capability to break.)

·      This device may not cause harmful interference  (translation: Being an inanimate object, this CD player does not have fuzzy logic enough to kill you or scramble any electronic transmissions to certain life-sustaining machines, like pacemakers.  This would explain why no one ever played a game of Clue in which the victim was murdered by CD player wielded by Colonel Mustard in the library.)

   

I find it very interesting that the FCC expressly forbids changes or modifications to the CD player and further threatens that to do so could void the user's authority to operate the product.  Personally, I think that if someone has the know-how and the creativity to soup up a portable CD player, it would give them authority over the manufacturers to operate the factory itself. 

On to "Headset Safety"...

     Remember, boys and girls, don't listen to your earphones at high volume, because it could damage your parents' generosity next time you want to get something with the potential to be much louder.  (There are a few members of my family who would not get an electric guitar with amplifiers, even if they brown-nosed for a year.)  Also, use extreme, and I mean extreme, caution or temporary discontinue use in potentially hazardous situations, like when your mother has just put a gun to your head for not listening when she's told you time and time again to clean that pathetic excuse for a room.

On battery operation...

     Here's where it really gets insulting.  We are provided with a precise diagram of the bottom of the CD player along with highly detailed instructions on how to open the battery case.  Duh, you just slide that thingie that way and...well doggone,  Ooommph.... oommmmmmmpppphhhhh.....eerrrrrrrrggghhghh...That's odd.  This would be the time that I can't get it open, wouldn't it?!  Where'd those dang instructions go....

..........(insert rummaging noises, sounds of plastic grating on plastic)....."..and slide the door shut."  I generally take pride in being the battery door expert on the planet, but that thing completely defied my expertise!  That was the queen-mother of all battery doors.  *Whew!*   I'm lucky I didn't get a hernia. 

If I want to charge up some nifty rechargeable batteries, the instructions are adamant on plugging the jack into the wall.  First of all, who is Jack, and why would anyone want to plug him into the wall?  Does he get some kind of charge out of the experience?  Shocking! 

How to use earphones, or, if you need extensive training for this, you're a first-class idiot...

     The almighty instructions say that the CD player is equipped with an earphone jack.  "Plug the barrel end of the headphones cord into the jack for private listening."  Duh. (eye roll)  Plug the headphones into the intercom for public listening.  Plug the headphones into your nose so it can get into the act as well.  Plug the barrel end into your nose and then go see a doctor, and while you're at it, a psychologist. 

Features / The fun part / For all you obsessive compulsive button pushers

     Now I get to list all the stuff included in the whole package and change the name so they are unrecognizable!  Let the fun begin!

·      deluxe earplugs (headphones)

·      the red light/green light button (play/pause for when you have to hear what Mommy is saying)

·      the musical chairs button (stop)

·      the picky listener button (search <</>>)

·      the "pop-goes-the-weasel" button (open)

·      the button which utilizes a system designed to enhance lower audible frequencies  (da bass boost)

There's one more feature that I didn't know they had added since my first ancient CD player about six years ago.  It's called the hold button, but it doesn't put you on hold, because you're already listening to music and that would be stupid.  It doesn't put the music on hold because that would be essentially the same as pushing the pause button, plus music listening to hold music is just a weird idea.  The hold button, I found out, puts the buttons themselves on hold, so that pesky siblings cannot press buttons and disrupt your musical nirvana. 

How to get music to come out of those weird little round flat things...

    Now, everyone knows that some people have to have everything spelled out for them or they do things wrong and they crash their computer and somehow end up starting thermonuclear war or something.  CD players are the same way.  If the batteries get put in the wrong way, the polarity is reversed, which causes an opposing force on the earth's magnetic field.  The earth's magnetic field scrambles, and through some very complicated process involving the Dynamo effect, the earth begins to spin backward, we start rotating around the sun backward, time goes backward, and WAMMO,  we get flung straight back to the ice age!  Very dangerous these machines are...

So here goes.

#1...Turn CD player right side up.  You'll know it's right side up if you can see a bunch of buttons in plain sight that you can push.  DON'T PUSH THEM YET!!!

#2... Buy a CD.  It's one of those round flat things that comes in a flat box that takes forever to open without Mommy's help.  Oh, and it has one shiny side.  You don't want to touch the shiny side.  

#3... Push the button that says 'open'.  If you can't read, find someone who can to point to it for you.  If they try to push the button for you, fight them.  You can push your own buttons. 

#4... Put that round flat thing inside the mouth of the CD player.  Make sure that thing-a-ma-whatsit is stuck on the doo-dad. 

#5... Close the door of the CD player.

#6... Buy some AA batteries.  AA batteries are smaller than A batteries, but bigger than AAA batteries.  If you touch the B or C or D batteries Mommy will slap your hand. 

#7... I said "buy" the AA batteries, not "steal" them! 

#8... Okay, earn the money to pay for the AA batteries you stole. 

#9... Get big brother to put the batteries in for you. 

#10.  Plug the earphones into the little hole on the side that has a picture of earphones next to it.  

#11.  Push the play button with the arrow on it. 

#12.  Move that little dial that makes the music louder.  (Funny how the loudness of your parents' voices is directly proportional to the volume of your music!)

Troubleshooting Guide.....(as taught by Annie Oakley)

    Howdy part'ners!  Much as I luv shootin’ troublesome varmints, there ain’t any guns involved in this here section.  So, I'm thinking yer all wonderin' why a troubleshootin' guide was put in these here instrucshuns.  It's cause all them folk at tec support got mighty tired-a you-all callin' about every lil problem.  They figger mebbe if they put it in there, you might be able t’ figger it out what’s wrong your ownselves!  I getta tell ya what to do; granted some of these here questions are so obvious, I'd shoot my ownself if I didn't know the answer right off.   (Okay, okay, I'll drop the accent...)  

    The one that always gives people problems -- the little round flat thing is where it is supposed to be, but darn it, there isn't any music coming out!!!  WHY?!  Okay, we're going to go through a little checklist here.

·      Try putting the plug into the wall socket...or batteries if you prefer.  No, the batteries don’t go in the wall socket.  They go in the battery case. 

·      Is the disc in right side up?

·      Close the door, silly!

·      If all these don't help, then the CD player must not like you and you must appease it by offering sacrifices to the god of AC.

Here's another common one -- what if the sound is skipping?

·      The little round flat thing must be scratched.  Don't play frisbee with it anymore.

·      Hmmmm.  There must be excessive external vibration.  Find a more stable position.  Stop hitting your siblings over the head with the CD player..........There, see what an improvement that is?

·      When all else fails, skip along with the skipping music.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

Okay, we're moving up in the world.  The little round flat thing is where it is supposed to be, it's playing, but darn it, there isn't any sound!  What's going on?!

·      Try plugging in your headphones.  These things don't have speakers all by themselves. 

·      Your headphones are plugged in?  Congratulations!  Now turn up the volume. 

NOT THAT MUCH!!!!!

Ouch.

Care and maintenance or How to be nice to your CD player

    Do not (never, ever, nuh-uh) touch the laser lens.  If you do, the laser lens genie will appear in a puff of smoke and melt you like the wicked witch of the west.  Fortunately, there is a way to clean the laser lens without invoking the wrath of the laser lens genie.  Simply moisten a cotton swab with isopropyl alcohol and gently apply to the face of the laser lens, rubbing gently until all traces of melted people are removed.  If you don't have a doctorate in chemistry that is required to even know what isopropyl alcohol is, just lick the lens.  Saliva can't be that bad for it.

Precautions

    Discs rotate at high speed inside the player.  Do not use damaged, warped, or cracked discs.  If you defy this warning and play a warped CD, the consequences could be disastrous to the entire planet!  A warped CD rotates irregularly.  If enough people play warped CDs, the irregularities might add up and counter balance the earth's rotation and bring it to a stop.  The side of earth facing the sun would proceed to roast while the other side of the earth would freeze to death.    So, please save the world and don't play damaged, warped, or cracked CDs. 

The Limited Warranty...from your friendly, (but cautious) helpful (but very suspicious) manufacturers

    I notice they are very careful what language they use when describing this warranty.  If they said "unlimited warranty", it stands to reason that you might be able to get them to pay for anything unfortunate that happens to you.  ("Buy a CD player, get life insurance!")

This warranty covers everything for a full year EXCEPT:

·      The instruction manual -- if you're not sure what to do when your CD player decides to spontaneously combust, call technical support.  That's what they're there for.  They will give you helpful advice.  ("Whoa!  That's totally cool!  Roast some marshmallows over it, dude!")

·      Installation.  If you can't figure out where the headphones go, ask Mommy.  Or read the directions.  Or just try sticking the jack someplace where it looks like it might fit. 

·      Damage from misuse and neglect.  And you'd better be glad there isn't a government agency that deals with neglected CD players.  If it was anything like the government agency that is responsible for neglected and abused children, we'd all be spending a little time in the slammer.

·      Modified products.  Like I said before, if you know enough to soup-up a CD player, technical support sure as heck ain't gonna be able help you figure out what went wrong when you plugged the adapter into the wall socket and all the lights went out...

·      CD players bought or fixed outside the USA.   Technical support no speako Spanisho.  Speako onlyo Englisho.

·      ACTS OF GOD  like lightning striking you as you head-bang to Marilyn Manson or AC/DC.  As far as I know, this is the only time the business world becomes religious.  Perhaps "acts of God" are those things that happen for no reason with no warning which the manufacturers don't want to pay for.

    As you see, being the owner of a CD player is highly dangerous.  The slightest mistake could initiate cataclysmic natural disasters of incomprehensible magnitude.  The operation thereof could also anger many people, a few being parentals, the laser lens genie, the god of AC, the technical support people, and even your garbage man if you throw away too many damaged, warped, or cracked CDs.   

    If you don't feel up to it, you can exchange your CD player for a simple Walkman - combination tapeplayer and radio.  I'll tell you about those responsibilities some other time.........

Parlimentary procedure, or "beating the dead horse"

From my skewed viewpoint, parliamentary procedure is too ridiculous to go uncommented upon.  You'll see why soon enough.

   First of all, speakers in parliament must be recognized by the chair before they are allowed to speak.  We have no way of knowing how a chair can do such a thing and even when, since for all intents and purposes a chair is an inanimate object.  A person could live their whole life and never know that they were recognized by a chair.  Because of this, a person is selected to speak for the chair, and for lack of a better name. is given the title "chairperson."  The chairperson possesses amazing psychic abilities, for they sense who the chair chooses to recognize, and the chairpersom makes that choice known to the rest of us. 

Speakers ask for permission to speak by rising and saying, "Mr. or Madame Chair."  (Notice the speaker must address the chair, not the chairperson.)  The chairperson then states whether the chair recognizes the speaker.  If the speaker is recognized, then they can continue to speak or make a motion.  (Usually speakers make a motion in their lower jaw as they speak, so motions are unavoidable.)

   Each motion must be seconded.  Whether this means a vote must be raised in favor of the speaker's moving jaw, or whether it means that a second person must also move their jaw the same way, I don't know.  (Hmm.  I sense this line of thought is already beating a dead horse.

   Now, beating a dead horse is a different motion altogether.  If no one seconds my beating of the dead horse, I must stop beating it.  However, if someone else decides it is a good idea, they can second the motion by also beating the dead horse.

 

   We'll assume my motion of beating the dead horse was seconded., so the chairperson says that the chair has called for a debate on the motion of beating a dead horse.  (At this, everyone looks at their neighbor and shrugs, because no one heard anything that sounded remotely like a chair raising its voice, and the chairperson could be just plain nuts, but maybe the sound of the dead horse being beaten drowned out the chair.)

Then people begin to debate the beating of the dead horse.  (I don't know if the beating stops for the debate or not.  Well, I suppose it'd have to because that would be too many motions which would each have to be seconded.)  Speakers can speak for five minutes about the ethics of the beating, and the chair has to remember to alternate hearing speakers for and against the beating.  Speakers can propose amendments to the beating of the dead horse, but those have to be considered a separate beating in and of themselves, thus requiring someone to second them and everybody to debate them.  The amendment to the beating of the dead horse must be voted on before the actual beating can be voted upon. 

When everyone has commented for or against the beating who desired to, the chair calls for the question (vote) on the actual beating of the dead horse (which by now should be very very dead).  If someone objects to the question being called on the grounds that the whole thing is stupid and it is beating a dead horse to continue to even talk about it, then the chair can call for a previous question, and everyone can vote on whether to vote on whether to continue to beat the dead horse.  The vote is carried out by saying "yea" or "nay".  If everyone yells "YEA!", then the horse is definitely dead.  BUT!  If there is a resounding "NEIGH!" , then the horse is not quite as dead as we thought and needs to be beaten some more.

An example of what happens when you are allowed to mix satire into school reports. Case: Skiing.

The following was written back in high school as a make-up assignment for gym class for having missed school for a family vacation up in Wisconsin.  Gratifyingly, my gym teacher gave me an A and never said anything against my use of satire.

            Skiing is when you strap a long, thin board to each foot and subject yourself to the acceleration due to gravity, starting from a position of high potential energy.  You balance your center of gravity and allow your mass to overcome the force of friction upon your skis, causing a steady acceleration, while converting your potential energy into kinetic energy.  During all of this, the pleasure center of the brain sends out positive charges in attempt to overcome the reasoning center of the brain (which sends out negative charges) with a feeling of euphoria.  Finally, the reasoning center of the brain takes over, and while activating the adrenal glands for a possible emergency, calmly decides on a route that would not cause any damage in an inelastic collision.  This process is repeated over and over until the inelastic collision does indeed occur, or the muscles of the body eventually experience a deficiency of oxygen and ATP.  (Can you tell I was studying physics before I wrote this?)

            “Skiing is the act of gliding over snow on long narrow runners called skis.” (World Book Encyclopedia).  Now see, I could’ve put that first, but it would insult my creativity, not to mention only taking up a couple of lines.  (Brevity is death in all school reports such as this.)

            Did you know there’s such a thing as ballet freestyle skiing?  It combines movements from figure skating and gymnastics.  The skiers perform to music and do spins, pirouettes, rolls, somersaults, etc.  Fancy Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding in that kind of scenario!

            One branch of skiing I’ve often wondered about is ski jumping, where you slide down a steep track and fly off the platform at the end.  I always assumed at the back of my mind that the track was actually supposed to be an artificial hill and some prankster kept bending the end up to make the skiers go airborne, freak out, and do a crash-dive into a drift.  Who knows?  Maybe that’s how it started!  But I stray from the point. Jumpers are judged on how far their leap goes, on their grace and poise, as well as the severity of their landing.  (Oops, just kidding on that last one.)

Judge 1: My goodness, I’ve never seen such grace and poise in all my life!

Judge 2: Indeed! He only screamed once, and that spread-eagle position is so…so… free and artistic!

Judge 1: And that flip… it.. conveyed so much raw emotion!

            Most ski jumping is done on 70 or 90 meter hills, meaning the typical jump distances from the end of the track are 70 to 90 meters long.  Oooo.  I notice in the encyclopedias they never say what happens when the skier embraces Mother Earth once more.  This means that either the encyclopedia is keeping ski jumpers’ trade secrets, or ski jumpers are exorbitantly paid to keep quiet about their injuries.

   

         Cross-country skiing is what people do before they ultimately realize the existence of snowmobiles.  When cross-country skiing, there are different techniques with their own special name.  There’s the “diagonal stride” (like jogging, but a lot harder and colder because it’s outside on skis), the “skate” (like rollerskatting, only a lot harder and colder because it’s outside on skis), and the “herringbone”, which distinctly resembles something that is NOT a herringbone.  What is undeservedly called a “herringbone” is actually the reverse of the “snowplow” maneuver of slowing down, but that doesn’t mean that the herringbone makes you accelerate.  The herringbone is used to climb up steep hills and is commonly seen of cross-country skiers who haven’t yet realized that climbing that steep hill is a lot easier and faster if you just take your skis off and use snowshoes instead.  But who knows?  Maybe it’s actually a sub-competition to see who can go beyond their target heart rate and have a violent heart attack first.  (And if there’s a tie, then the one who gets the prettiest nurse wins.)

           A form of downhill skiing that you will never try if you value your life and limb is “schussing.”  This involves skiing straight down a hillside without any turns or stops.  I personally believe the name came from the sound of German skiers shushing their comrades to silence so that they’d be able to hear the impact of that stupid skier who just raced straight past them and who had decided involuntarily to become close friends with some pine tree.  The route schussers take, which is the most direct way to the bottom, is quite literally called (I swear I am NOT making this up.  It is there in the encyclopedia—volume S-Sn, page 485) the “fall line.”  How’s that for telling it like it is?  Another cool term is “sitzmark,” or the indentation left in the snow by a fallen skier.  (That would make an impression on anybody.   Yes, the pun was deliberate.  (grin))

           In conclusion, I must say that I do like to ski.  I’m not very good at it, but I like it, especially when someone else pays for me to go.  But if I’ve learned anything from my research on skiing, it is this—always ALWAYS  look both ways before you cross the fall line.

Satire: A telemarketing conversation from another age

Telemarketer: Hello, am I speaking with the head of the household who makes all the financial decisions immediately and hopefully without considering any viable alternatives?

Person: Yes you are, but remember that I get very impatient with telemarketers who call without warning during dinner.

Telemarketer: No problem.  Ma’am if I can have a couple hours of your time, I would like to explain to you why you should drop your previous insurance provider like a rock and buy insurance from us.  We can give you the best deal and when you really need us to come through, we will drop your coverage without warning, faster than any other insurance company, our teaser rates are terrific!

Person: But I already have great insurance.  I’m just not interested.  I could pretend, but that would waste your time and mine.  We had a house fire just last week that completely destroyed our house and our insurance company paid up immediately.  Besides, you’re not a very good telemarketer.

Telemarketer: No problem.  You may think your insurance is great, but it isn’t.  Their credit rating has dropped several notches in the past few weeks. 

Person: Not only am I not interested in what you have to say, I have to go.  My son is choking and I need to give him the Heimlich. 

Telemarketer: No problem.  But did you know that we offer rebates?

Person: Goodbye. I’m not talking to you any more.

Telemarketer: No problem.  I’m only doing this for the money anyway.

Organizing for writers

This isn’t about organizing the words in a particular piece of work.  This is about organizing and de-cluttering all the different bits of writing you’ve written and kept throughout your life.

If you are a writer, you will have lots of document files on your computer and lots of papers of work in progress, and probably copies of publications that your work appeared in.  How do you organize all of it? 

Today I went through my old papers.  Having a distance of a number of years (more than a decade, to be precise) was necessary for me to truly see how stupid some of my writing truly was. 

I had poetry from the time that I considered myself a “gifted” poetess.  (This was before I actually took my first poetry class.)  I look back on that pre-class poetry now and cringe.  There were just a few lines here and there that were actually any good. 

I even had the text of a musical that I had been writing, based upon one of my favorite Book of Mormon stories.  The rhymes were horrendous, the meter was awful, I had mucked about with the story just for the sake of getting the rhymes right, and it was in nearly every way, total blather.   While my heart gave a pang at the memory of the long hours I spent writing all those pages, I still knew without a doubt that I would be completely and totally embarrassed if any real lyricist (or anyone else, for that matter) happened to read it.  So I had no problem with dumping it in the recycling bin. 

I had satirical essays I had written for fun during the time I was in high school.  That was the time I was testing my rhetorical powers, discovering the fun of verbosity, applying a sense of the incongruous to just about everything I could find that seemed to deserve a sly dig.   Some of them were still good, but most suffered from in-jokes that were too specific to be appreciated by a wider audience, too many digressions (since that was a big form of humor for me then), and silliness that really…wasn’t…funny. 

The further back you start de-cluttering your writing, the easier it will be to separate the wheat from the chaff.   Don’t be afraid to trash (recycle) the stuff that makes you shudder at its lack of finesse. 

Some types of writing are going to be useful as parts of family history.  Well-written personal essays give a slice of life that family (at the very least) will enjoy far into the future.  Even if they aren’t marketable for any other outlet, they should be gathered and put in order by date.  Children and family generations in the future will appreciate it.  Trust me, they will.

Some bits of writing are just for fun.  They are exploratory in nature, or they are just a vent for high spirits.  They don’t seem good enough to offer to a publisher, but they are too good to not share.  For these, a personal blog is a good medium.  The blog may be password protected, or, depending on your comfort with public exposure, may be public.  I find a blog a good medium for sharing things that I don’t want to forget I wrote but which I don’t want to store anymore on my computer or in my home.  The prospect of putting a piece of writing out in public is also a pretty good way to determine how much you really care about that writing.   If you can’t bear for anyone else to read it (and if you can’t bear to read it completely through), then it should probably be completely trashed, both hard copies and soft copies. 

If much of your work is on your computer rather than in hard copy, organization becomes easier because you only have to worry about the total file size and hard drive space is hardly a problem any more.  (Just remember, back up, back up, back up!!!)  However, the main thing you need to do is to keep working files for each piece of writing together and near the file they support.  If you write often about a few topics of expertise, it may be helpful to make a larger file to contain each of those bodies of work. 

It is helpful to have a folder or folders for your works in progress.  That way you know where to go to find what you are working on.  When you’re done, move it to another folder for works completed. 

Every once in a while, it is good to go through the “works in progress” folder and remove the “stillborn” ideas.  Stillborn ideas are the ones that you realize later are problematic and really should be discarded.  If it makes you feel better, move them to a “discarded” folder so they don’t clutter your “works in progress” folder.  Every once in a while, you might go through your “discarded” folder and find an idea that you can actually do something with after all.  That’s kind of fun.  Of course, if you just plain delete it, that’s just fine too.  You may think of it again later in a form you can actually use.

What do you do with the copies of publications that your work has appeared in?  If it is just a few --you’re just getting off the ground as a writer—keeping them isn’t a problem.  But the more they accumulate, the more space they take up, and that’s when you have to figure out a solution.

The best thing to do would be to keep copies of the publications that were the hardest to get into, the ones that were a true victory for you.  Those mean the most.  The others you don’t need nearly as much. 

What you do need, however, is to keep a nice healthy list of all the publications and issues you’ve been published in.  This list comes in handy for writing little autobiographical blurbs because you can pick and choose the most impressive publications.  A list of publications in date order is useful for showing your growth as a writer.  A list of publications grouped by magazine is good for helping you keep an accurate tally on your personal webpage or a curriculum vita of how many times you’ve been featured “10 times in Vogue,” for instance.  A list of publications by topic is useful as a portfolio of work when pitching to a book publisher in an area of your expertise. 

Organizing your files will make it so that you can spend more time writing, and less time searching for your latest project or any other works that you want to reread. 

The world is small with fish-babble

I really like these translating widgets.  They are fun to play with.  If you stick in a phrase, translate to another language, translate it back, go to a different language and back a few times, the message fragments into absurdity.  Here's a sample:

“Babblefish makes the world smaller”  turns to
“The world is small with fish babble”

“Like shooting fish in a barrel” turns to
“Like fish germinating in a barrel”  (english to german to french to english)

“houseguests and fish stink after three days” turns to
“houseguests and Fischgestank after three days” (English to German to English)

“the lights are on, but nobody’s home” turns to
“the lights are over, but no domestic servant” (english to Italian to english)
“the lights are not switched on, but head anybody”  (english to german to english)
“the lights are lit, but nobody at the house” (english to french to english)
“As for light/write, but house nobody'  S it is” (english to japanese to english)
“The light opens, only nobody'  s family”  (english to chinese to english)
“Nobody'  S?”  (english to korean to english)

“eating me out of house and home” turns to
“to eat me outside of the house and from the house to”  (english to french to german to english)
“Eat me from the house and the house”  (english to japanese to english)

“The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs.” turns to
“The orphan of fast brown jumped over the lazy dog.” (english to japanese to english)
“This only quick brown fox jumps the lazy dog.” (english to chinese to english)
“The quick brown fox fall to the lazy dog”  (english to korean to english)

“Watch out, the cactus is on fire!” turns to
“Ingratitude at the outside there is a non, cactus,!”  (english to korean to english)
“As for the watch in the fire, there is a cactus!”  (english to japanese to english)
“It watches outside, the cactus is on fire!”  (english to italian to english)

“There is an alligator floating in my bathtub.” turns to
“When it refloats inside my bathtub, there is an alligator.”  (english to korean to english)
“Has the alligator floats in mine bathtub”  (english to chinese to english)

Everything a corny western movie needs

This is a list a friend and I wrote back in high school about common tropes from western movies.

The best “corny” westerns are in black and white, or in cheesy color.

TIME

• Westerns never take place during national holidays.  (This explains why you never see a gunfight erupt over the last cup of eggnog.)
• Westerns only happen during the summer.

LIGHTING/WEATHER

• It is always either sunny or dark.  No rain allowed.
• Though there are no streetlights, everyone can still see perfectly well in the dark.
• When anyone does anything in the dark, they never bump into things.

PLACE

• All town names in western movies have “Bluff”, “Flat”, or “Gulch” in them.
• Western towns have one wide street called “Main”.
• The town’s buildings are always made of wood, and are situated on a dusty, treeless stretch of plain.
• There’s always a saloon, a bank, a hotel, and a gold mine in these towns.
• There’s never a church unless the town has a significant Mexican population.
• At times of peace and quiet, there’s always far fewer people walking the street than there should be.
• Even though ranches and the town are far apart, it never takes more than 5 seconds for anyone to get anywhere. 

THE HERO

• The hero always has a cool name, ruggedly handsome, never has a mustache, and is mild-mannered, peace-loving, and kind to children and animals.
• The hero never swears.His gunbelt must have studs on it, and his badge is always shiny and everyone can see it.
• The hero is always a good card player, and ALWAYS has the fastest draw.  He can also take out 50 bad guys with a six-shooter, a knife, and a paper plate.  (Did we mention that he only needs to load his gun once during the entire conflict?)
• The hero has to have fistfights in which he rolls around in the dust, but when he gets back up, his clothes still look fresh and pristine.
• No matter what happens - fisticuffs, gunfights, daring rescues, etc. - the hero NEVER loses his hat.
• The hero is an excellent rider and he never falls off his horse accidentally.
• But even if he did, pain does not affect the hero’s performance.
• The hero can always convince stubborn people to help.  Why? Because the hero knows what’s going on, and he’s never misinformed.  He only has to think for 5 seconds to come up with a plan.  On occasion, the hero may be forced to come up with an alternate plan.  This will require a little more thought.  7 seconds, to be exact.
• If the hero pretends to be a bad guy, he is always found out at the most inconvenient time.
• The hero will always return to protect the town and defend his honor, even when running away is the best option.
• At some point, the hero will lose the pretty girl, but he will eventually get her back.
• All attempts on the hero’s life fail.  The bullets always fly around the hero.
• The hero doesn’t get in trouble for shooting people.
• The hero never, and I mean NEVER, loses. 

THE SIDEKICK(S)

• The sidekick does the menial work.
• The hero’s sidekick is in charge of comic relief.  (Perhaps comic relief is considered “menial”.)
• The sidekick must be saved by the hero.  He’s not allowed to save himself.  This is why any daring attempts at escape made by the sidekick will always fail. 
• Good guys never accidently shoot each other.
• If any good guys get put in jail, they won’t stay there for long.
• The good guys always ride off into the sunset at the end.

THE VILLAIN

• The villain is old or ugly, and sometimes both.  He must have a mustache, usually a small, black one that is waxed and curls up at the ends.
• The villain is always greedy and very mean.  We can tell because he always bangs the saloon’s swingy doors open when he’s on the warpath.
• The villain has deadly accuracy with a pistol, unless he happens to be shooting at the hero.
• The villian may be an “upstanding” citizen of the community who is secretly in charge of all the bad guys.
• The villain tries to turn the townspeople against the hero.
• When (as must always happen) the villain has the drop on the hero, he will reveal his entire evil scheme, after which the hero escapes and thwarts it.
• The villain always makes a run for it.  Usually with the loot.
• The villain must say “You’ll never take me alive!” at least once.
• Villains must always take hostage(s) when attempting a getaway.  (The pretty girl is considered the hostage of choice.)

MINIONS

• There must be evil henchmen, and they must must look evil.  (No pretty boys allowed, evidently.)
• The bad guys double-cross everyone and everything that can be double-crossed.
• The bad guys always lose.

THE PRETTY GIRL

• There’s always a pretty girl in the movie.
• The pretty girl always tries and fails to dissuade the hero from fighting.  (Women know best, but nobody listens.)
• The pretty girl never stays where it’s safe.
• Women may get picked on, kidnapped, taken hostage, but never shot.
• There must be a daring, attempt made to rescue the pretty girl.
• The pretty girl will ALWAYS be rescued, no matter how difficult rescuing her may appear to be.  (From this it may be possible to infer that rescuing the pretty girl is the easiest thing the hero will ever do in the entire movie, because he is bound to succeed.  )

THE SHERIFF

• The town’s sheriff can never handle any trouble; he always calls in the marshall (unless the sheriff and the hero are one and the same).
• The sheriff is always fair and just unless he happens to be the secret villain.
• Deputies have to be younger than the marshall or the sheriff. 

MOBS & EXTRAS

• The mob of townspeople always try a hangin’, but it never works.
• There is always one voice of reason in an angry mob to oppose the villain when everyone seems to have turned against the hero.  
• If you look carefully, you’ll usually find cattle rustlers, bank robbers, and a passel of hired guns in every western movie.
  There’s always a posse in there somewhere, attempting to “cut ‘em off at the pass”.  (And somehow there’s always a pass at which to cut people off.)
• Children can only be in westerns if they are related to the main characters.
• Western bankers (who are characteristically short, plump, balding men with glasses wearing that green eyeshade thing) are always getting robbed.

INDIANS

• In westerns, all Indians, wear buckskins, ride spotted horses, have braided hair, wear a headband with an annoying eagle feather sticking straight up from it, speak broken English, and shoot bows and arrows with deadly accuracy, yet never manage to kill main characters.
• When hundreds of hostile Indians attack a tiny ring of wagons, somehow the paleface always win.
• Friendly Indians always manage to get into trouble.

ACTION

• There has to be spectacular stunts in which no one ever gets hurt.  These stunts include falls, swinging on chandeliers, jumping on to and off of horses and runaway stagecoaches, etc.  (You’d think the fact that no one ever gets hurt would make it safe for children, but apparently it’s not safe enough.)
• No one ever goes to the bathroom or takes a shower.  (This could be another important reason why children are never in westerns, as the action would have to stop every 5 minutes for a bathroom break.)

GUNFIGHTS 

• Everyone, including the womenfolk, carries a gun.  (Thus, it is impossible to get through a western movie without at least ONE gunfight breaking out.) Naturally, the only way for main characters to work out their personal differences is by seeing who can beat the other to the draw and gun the other down.
• When main characters decide to schedule a gunfight, the time of choice is high noon. 
• In mass gunfights, there must always be at least one guy on the roof with a winchester rifle.
• During a gunfight, everyone would rather break a window with their pistolbutt and shoot through that, than simply shoot through an open doorway.
• There’s always more shooting than is necessary, just to keep things exciting.
• Six-shooters are only allowed to have deadly accuracy when wielded by the hero and the villain.  The rest of the time, they couldn’t hit the side of a barn at 5 yards.
• Only extras get fatally wounded, unless it’s the father of the pretty girl. 
• The guy on the roof with the winchester rifle always gets killed first. 
• The wounded never scream, cry, or say “Ow!”.  They only press their hand to the wounded area.
• No blood is ever shown
• If extras on horseback are shot, they fall to the ground and die, unless they are bearing vital information to the hero.
• Any good guys left for dead will live, or survive only long enough to fulfill their purpose of existence in the plot.

DEATH

• There’s never a death that isn’t dramatic.
• It takes 2 seconds for an extra to die, but the death of a main character requires 5 minutes of drama.
• Dead bodies never stiffen up.  They always stay conveniently limp so that people can carry them.
• Anyone can carry a dead body with ease.  The preferred method is over the shoulder.
• Anytime a main character dies, their heads fall back or roll limply to one side.

HORSES

• You can’t have a western movie without horses.  (None of this horseless carraige nonsense!)
• Horses are always saddled, ready, and waiting.
• The horses always run at warp 9.  (A-ha!  Now we know why it never takes anyone very long to get anywhere!) And no matter what, the hero’s horse is the fastest.
• Horses never get shot.  (The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would have a fit if they were.)
• The only time horses get spooked is so that the hero and the pretty girl can meet.
• Main characters never have brown-colored horses.

SALOONS

• Saloons have tiny swingy doors and a big mirror behind the bar. 
• The only appropriate background music for a saloon is a Scott Joplin rag on a tinny piano.
• Fistfights are best started in saloons.  If fact, anyone worth fighting with is always at the saloon.  (Very convenient...)
• The bartender is a permanent fixture behind the bar.  (He has no life, so he never leaves.)
• The western drink of choice is whiskey, and the bartender knows everyone and their “usual”.  (Not that hard, since everyone drinks whiskey.)
• The hero never has to order a drink.  It’s always THERE.
• No one ever drinks sitting down.  They must do it while leaning on the bar.
• No matter how long main characters have been drinking they never seem to get drunk.
• It is rare to see anyone pay for their drink.
• Poker games only take place in the saloon. 
• A poker game is always won by an obnoxiously high hand.
• When playing poker, someone always cheats and starts a fight.
• No one’s hands hurt after engaging in a round of fisticuffs.
• In mass brawl in a saloon, the following must always happen:
•     a) All the liquor bottles get broken, yet shot glasses remain intact.
•     b) People only get knocked out when hit from behind with a chair.
•     c) Someone must ALWAYS swing from the chandelier.
•     d) The large mirror behind the bar must get smashed

STAGECOACHES

• Stagecoach security measures are notoriously lax. 
• It is impossible for a stagecoach to drive through a western movie without getting held up and robbed by bandits.

FEUDS

• The children of feuding families WILL fall in love.
• Any family feuds continue until near the end of the movie, when they unite with the hero to get the bad guys.

WESTERN MOVIE PLOT

• Everything and everybody is always saved in the nick of time.
• The audience always anticipates what is going to happen, but the movie characters never do.
• The townspeople never figure it out until the very end, and then it’s 15 minutes after the audience figured it out.
• If the hero wears a mask, no one ever figures it out until the very end, and only if he voluntarily removes it.  (You never hear “Hey, you’re ____!”)
• When the hero takes off his mask, everyone is more surprised than they should be, and they say “I should have known!”
• There’s always some dippy joke at the end.