How to register for classes at ASU

I ran across this thing that I wrote back when I was going to ASU and was having troubles with registering for classes.  Enjoy.

How to Register for Classes at ASU

1 Wait until the last minute, preferably just before tuition is due. 

2 Avoid visiting an adviser.  (I’ve heard of several people that visited an adviser and ended up taking two or three extra semesters to graduate.)

3 Search for classes.  (Remember, all the ones suggested on your DARS report to help you toward graduation do not in fact exist.)

4 Register for classes.  (Be sure to push the button to confirm your classes. Be sure to push the button to take your classes to ‘check out.'  Be sure to push the button that re-confirms that you REALLY wanted those classes.  You get points if you do this without rolling your eyes.)

5 Reregister for classes.  (Three were cancelled for lack of interest.)

6 Reregister for classes.  (Two were cancelled for lack of interest and because of budget cuts.)

7 Change your major.  (Your major was consolidated out of existence because of budget cuts.)

8 Beg an instructor to add you on the first day of class.  (Carry a supply of add/drop forms.)

The Mysterious Package (writing prompt)

The following is a writing prompt given at a creative writing meeting at the Perry library.. and what I pulled out of it in 10 minutes.

A man receives a package with no return address.  It contains a pirate eye patch and a note.

~~

Cool! I always wanted an eye patch! thought Ron, when he picked it out of the box.  He tried it on.  The black elastic fit perfectly around his head.  It was, of course, hard to see with only one eye, but that was a small price to pay for the awesomeness thereof.  Maybe he'd be able to get a date now when he went to the bars.

But he was forgetting the note.  He went back to the box--a surprisingly large one, considering the small size of the contents--and he picked up the note.  It was unsigned as well.  Too weird.  He hoped it wasn't something psycho, like the anthrax scares of 15 years ago.

"Dear Ron," he read.  "Have received notice of your interest in eye patches and thought to indulge you a little.  This is a special one though, with powers of x-ray vision.  Unfortunately, the activation phrase was reset to be 'Rubber baby buggy bumpers' and I can't figure out how to reset the backdoor."

Mentally DiStUrBeD Christmas carols

Narcissistic:  “Hark the Herald Angels Sing… about me!”

Dementia:  “I’ll be Home For Christmas…. Maybe”

Manic:  “Deck the Halls and the walls and the Floors and the Porch and the Streets and the roads and the stores and the Lampposts and the Cars and the Ceilings and the Buses and the Schools..”

Attention Deficiet Disorder: “Silent Night, Holy oh Look is that a Frog?  I want some Chocolate.  Why is France so Far Away?”

Paranoid:  “Santa Clause is Coming to Town… to Get Me!”

Borderline Personality:  “I’m Gonna Pout, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Shout, and Maybe I’ll tell You Why”

Obsessive Compulsive: “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells….”

(Disclosure: I didn’t write these.  A cousin-in-law did and I wrote them down in my journal.  Ran across them recently and felt they needed to be shared..)

"So, that's it?" (fiction)

Some might say this sketch is the product of a sick mind.  Actually, this one was two sick minds--a combined effort for a fiction class exercise.  Collaborating with another writer can make unexpected things happen and get you unstuck.

"So, that's it?" Her eyes were eager, but her tone was reproachful.

"Yes." The doctor was ashamed that the goal of triplets was not reached after the third try and three sets of twins.

"Nothing more?" Her hands stretched out, palms up, demanding.

"No.  I don't think so.  That's really it." He avoided her gaze, trying to sound dismissive and firm.  He hated to disappoint his patients.

"So that's it?" she said again harder, as if to give him another chance to give her the answer she wanted.

"I'm afraid so. I'm sorry the results weren't what you were hoping for." He writhed.

"This is the third time this has happened!"

"Look. This isn't a foolproof procedure.  You've gotten two sets of twins, four beautiful girls. You're going to have another two.  Most people would be happy.  No, wait, most people would have been freaked out!  Why do you insist on triplets?"

"Of course I'm happy!  I love all my girls more than the world. They were just supposed to turn out.. a certain way."

"Things don't always turn out the way we want. Were they supposed to be blue-eyed and red-headed too?"

"No, nothing like that. I just... I always wanted to be one of triplets.  I want to give that gift to my children."

"I'm sorry, I don't quite understand; twins and triplets are very similar.  What's so special about triplets?" the doctor asked, moving toward his desk.  He picked up the phone and dialed security.

First lines that really grab you

In a fiction class I took, one of our class exercises was to write ten first lines that would grab a reader and make them want to keep reading to find out what happens next.  The following were what I came up with.  (This strategy is really good for finding a story to write because writing a single sentence with the suggestion of conflict to come is not very intimidating, and it gives you choices.  If you have ten crazy first sentences, you can choose the one that seems the most intriguing/doable.)

 The time had finally come when Sheila realized she was completely, totally, irrevocably stuck.

When Bob looked out the bedroom window and saw the tank's cannon pointed straight at him, he knew the jig was up.

She woke up to the sound of the dog having a grand mal seizure at the foot of the bed, lots of snapping and shaking.

I was born because my mother was determined to take revenge on my father.

He came home from school committed to starting a hunger strike.

Even with a height of 8' 3", Jamison was the most normal member of his family.

It all started when the cat began to glow.

The beginning of the end for the museum curator was when Miss Bradshaw wore Tomato Passion Red lipstick to work.

My math teacher didn't know it, but today was the day I was going to take over the class.

The snowstorm was both the coldest thing and the luckiest thing that ever happened to Jenny.

Birthday card ideas

My fourth year at BYU, I was given the church calling "birthday committee co-chair."  I magnified my calling by making and sending birthday cards to people in the ward.  Since it would have been too expensive to buy cards, I made them using a stash of pictures I cut out of magazines.  The following are some of my best card ideas.

 1) Though she could not speak their language, Amy acted out the appropriate way to handle a celebratory incendiary desert and the natives soon got the idea.

2) Marvin celebrated by going on a jumprope binge.
Hope your birthday finds you jumping for joy.

3) How.  Paleface mark passing of another 12 moons of life.  Make-um cake.  Stuff-um face.  Happy-um birthday.

4) “I didn’t order steak!” 
Hope your birthday brings you a PLEASANT surprise.

5) If he could spear the elusive and tasty cakefish, he could feed his family for many moons.

6) Hope_you_have_a_wonderful_birthday@today.org

7) The candles have been out for an hour!  You can stop blowing now!
In the Middle East they believe in thoroughness, even in the matter of blowing out the flames of birthday candles.

8) “Hold it!  What’s that glow?”
“Sir, I believe the subject is having a birthday party.  Those are the candles from the cake.”
Lit birthday candles visible from low geo-synchronous orbit is a little much, don’t you think?

9) (picture of pirates fighting on the beach)
The birthday boy ALWAYS gets the first piece of cake!

10)  (picture of lion attacking man’s arm)
The birthday boy ALWAYS gets the first bite.

11) (picture of man & boy both with gas masks on)
Okay you may light the birthday candles.

12)  (picture of Bridget Bardot hugging a mule)
It’s your birthday; have you hugged your donkey yet?

13) "Why Charles, you look famished!  Bob, get this man some birthday cake!"
It has been proven that the human body can not go more than 365 days without it. 

14) Five feet later, the tire blew again.
May your life’s journey be like traveling in a lambourgini hot rod with air conditioning & TWO spare tires in the trunk.

15) (picture of emperor penguins)
Although dressed in their finest birthday suits, the penguins were turned away at the door.

16) (picture of a bolt of lightning)
Aha!  You lied about your age again!

17)  *pssssst*!  Hey buddy! My sources tell me someone’s having a birthday.  You wouldn’t happen to know who that would be, would you? 

18)  (picture of big fire)
Your cake’s on fire!  Too many candles!  Too many candles!  Happy Birthday!

19) (picture of sinking boat)
I have the sinking feeling I missed your birthday.  Forgive? 

20) (picture of Buddist monk)
Remember, begger who sit in marketplace is deaf to song of nightinggale.  (That’s Buddist for “Happy Birthday”)

21) (picture of tornado)
It's your birthday.  Play so hard that God has to clean up after you.

22) (picture of old man strumming a guitar)
Happy birthday, and all that jazz.  No blues allowed.

23)  (picture of men in pitch helmets sitting around a table outside)
"If you sit, it will come."
11 British philosophers try out a new theory about birthday cakes.
365 1/4 days is a LOOOONG time to wait.

24) (picture of racks of trenchcoats)
Failed products of yesteryear: A Troelstrup Birthday Suit.
From what we can see, yours looks as good as the day you got it.  Happy Birthday to you!  (and your "suit" too!)

25) Marvin subscribed to the belief that anything worth doing was worth overdoing.
Don't forget to brush your teeth after all that cake and ice cream.

26) (picture of concert pianist staring at the camera in surprise)
You want me, a world famous concert pianist worth millions of dollars to play WHAT?
Happy birthday to you...

Brought to you by the Rabid Stamp-Wielding Birthday Fairy

The pool drain (fiction)

"Mrs. Elsley, I'm calling about your daughter.  She's in a lot of trouble, and she has a lot of explaining to do."

"What happened?"

"She pulled the plug in the swimming pool."

"Oh dear.  Did she come up alright?"

"Oh yes, she did, Mrs. Elsley, but now the rest of the school is flooded."

"Goodness!  Did she splash that much?  She's always been a splasher; ever since she was little bathtime has been a rather wet affair.."

"No, Mrs. Elsley, she didn't splash.  It was the unplugged swimming pool."

"I don't see how merely pulling a plug could flood an entire school."

"The pool is on the second floor, Mrs. Elsley."

"Whose smart idea was that?!"

"Disgruntled architect, Mrs. Elsley.  He had it in for the superintendent of the district and somehow convinced her that it was a great idea to have the Olympic-sized swimming pool on the second floor."

"Well, that's asking for trouble, but surely there were pipes to drain the water properly.  Was there a
crack in the bottom of the pool?"

"No, no cracks.  The bottom is in perfect condition."

"I don't understand."

"The fire sprinklers, Mrs. Elsley; the swimming pool's drain leads directly to the fire sprinklers."

"The architect?"
"Uh-huh."
"Oh dear. But why would he..."
"Brilliant idea to save water.  This is Las Vegas, you know."